A classic rant via Church of the Subgenius, probably by Rev. Ivan Stang
I pick the god damn terror of the fucking gods out of my nose!
Pardon my language…
But YEEEEEEHAW! Let the sons of God and man bear witness!
Even in the belly of the Thunderbird I’ve been casting out the False Prophets! I’m busting a gut and blowing my O-ring, and ripe to throw a loaf! For I speak only the fucking Truth, and never in my days have I spoke other than! For my every utterance is a lie, including this very one you hear!
I say “Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke!” By God, “Anything for a laugh,” I say.
I am the last remaining Homo Correctus, I am the god damn Man of the Future! I’ll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot! I am a human being of the first god damn water! Yes, I’m the javalina humping junkie that jumped the men from Mars!
I drank the Devil under seven tables! I’m too intense to die! I am insured for acts o’ God and Satan!
I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and alien infidels from a corporate galaxy, and got away with their hubcaps!
I cannot be tracked on radar!
I wear nothing uniform, I wear no god damn uniform!
Yes, baby, I’m 23 feet tall and have 13 rows o’ teats; I was suckled by a Triceratops, I gave the Anti-Virgin a high-protein tonsil wash!
I’m a bacteriological weapon, I’m armed and loaded!
I’m a fission reactor! I fart plutonium, power plants are fueled by the sweat from my brow! When they plug me in the lights go out in Hong Kong!
I cook and eat my dead.
I’m the Unshaven Thorn Tree of the Atlantis Zoo!
I pay no taxes!
The Devil’s hands are my ideal playground!
I hold the Seven-Bladed Windbreaker!
The wheels that turn are behind me!
I think backwards! I do it for fun!
My imagination is a fucking cancer and I’ll pork it before it porks me!
They say a godzillion is the highest number there is. Well, by God! I count to a godzillion and one!
I use a python for a prophylactic! I’m thicker, harder, and meaner than the Alaskan Pipeline, and I carry more spew! I’ll freeze your seed before it hits the bathroom tile!
I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past, I made Time wait up for me to bleed my lizard!
My infernal breath wilts the Tree of Life!
I left my spoor on the Rock of Ages!
Who’ll tear flesh with me? Who’ll spill their juice? Who’ll gouge with me? Whose candle will I fart out? WHOOP! I’m ready!
So step aside, all you buttlipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o’ wimp meat! I’m a Crime Fighting Master Criminal! I am Not Insane!
I’m a screamer and a laugher, I make a spectacle of myself, I am a sight!
My physical type cannot be classified by science!
My “familiar” is a pterodactyl— I feed it dipshits!
I communicate without wires or strings!
I am a Thuggee, I am feared by the Tongs, I have the Evil Eye, I carry the Mojo Bag!
I swam the Bermuda Triangle and didn’t get wet!
I circumcise dinosaurs with my teeth and make ’em leave a tip!
I change tires with my tongue and my tool!
Every night I hock up a lunger and extinguish the Sun!
I’m the big-footed Devil of Level 14, who’ll come shoe me? Where’s the robot giant who’ll try to blow me down?
I’ve packed the brownies of the gods!
I leak the Plague from my nether parts!
Opiates are the mass of my religion!
I take drugs!
Space monsters cringe at my tread!
I wipe the Pyramids off my shoes before I enter my house!
I’m fuel-injected! I’ll live forever and remember it afterwards!
I’m immune! I’m radioactive! Come on and give me cancer, I’ll spit up the tumor and butter my bread with the juice!
I’m supernatural, I bend crowbars with my meat axe and a thought! My droppings bore through the Earth and erupt volcanoes in China!
Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the heathen Hindoos in Asia!
YEEE HAW! Gut Blowout!
I am a Moray Eel, I am a Komodo Dragon, I am a Killer Whale bereft of its pup!
I have a triple backbone, I was sired by the Wolf Man, give me all your Slack!
I told Jesus I wouldn’t go to Church and he shook my hand!
I have my own personal Saviors! I change ’em every hour! I don’t give a fuck if there’s life after death, I want to know if there’s even any fucking Slack after death!
I am a god damn visionary! I see the future and the past in comic books and wine bottles!
I eat black holes for breakfast!
I bend my genes and whittle at my DNA with the sheer force of my mighty will! I steer my own god damn evolution!
I ran ’em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a profit!
I’m enlightened, I achieved “Nirvana” and took it home with me!
Yip, Yip, YEEEEE!
When the Rapture comes, I’ll make ’em wait! They’ll never clean my cage!
Now give me some more of… [transmission ends]
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