Joseph
Dear Robert McNally,
I was glad to find your web page. I ‘googled’ “ex Worldwide Church of God gay.” I am a 46 year old man living in Amarillo, Texas. I feel like there is so much I have to write, and please, I hope you bear with me.
I was once completely immersed in the Worldwide Church of God. I was lured by such terms as “God’s family” and “elect” and “chosen few”. I was led to believe that I was “called” to this one “true” church to the point that I was finally baptized at the Natchez, Mississippi, WCG in the ’80s. I was supposed to come out of “the world” and live a life that was pleasing to God—of course, as defined by the church.
I knew I was gay going into this church, but I was in the closet and so full of shame that I couldn’t find a way to measure it. I guess I thought I was going to be made a better person. I believed God was working through this church and would open my eyes to the “truth.” This “true church” was going to make me “whole” and “unperverted” and “one of God’s people,” and wash the dirt of homosexuality out of me once I became a baptized member.
But then it was driven home that baptism wasn’t enough. God would “bless” me ONLY if I obeyed the doctrines in the strictest sense. That included not being gay. If I didn’t follow the “letter of the law”, then I’d be left to fend for myself during the coming tribulations, and the anti-christ, and the hell of famine and torture—name something horrible you can think of that can be used to terrify a congregation into staying put. (Crap like this can still keep me up at night sometimes.)
I sought direction and comfort from several ministers of the church whereby I asked some tough questions about sexuality, only to be told to “pray about it.” All the while, there would be sermons blatantly condemning people who were gay and who would have no place with “God’s people” or in “Christ’s kingdom.” I remember one sermon during a holy day where the minister actually called homosexuals “dog vomit.” I was terrified. Another minister, Mr. John Ogwynn of the Baton Rouge, Louisiana, church, personally counseled me. I thought he was a kind man. But years later he went on to write an utterly scathing and unsympathetic article for The Plain Truth magazine on homosexuality. He likened us to pedophiles and vehemently denounced gays as “abominations” of God. He basically said he was sickened by it and practically demanded that’s God’s true people have no tolerance whatsoever for gay people.
I took on that shame and wished I were dead. I could not change who I was and have not been transformed by God or nature or science into a straight man. It was clear that I was not going to reap the same “blessings” as the straight people of God who were apparently the “true” people of God. It became crystal clear that it was God’s HETERO law, God’s HETERO doctrines, God’s HETERO people—anything and everything the church used (still uses) to control God’s “chosen” people by sticking the name GOD in front of it with the unspoken knowledge it only applies to HETERO people. And this has nothing to do with anyone in the real world who is heterosexual, but it was clear that I would be disfellowshipped if I ever became a “practicing” gay man and that, as a gay man, I was beneath God’s heterosexual chosen people.
There used to be days I struggled to function. I have sought professional therapy and have been doing so since 2003. I have left a church I was completely convinced was THE genuinely one true church in existence directly sanctioned by God himself, from his mouth to Herbert Armstrong’s ear.
I don’t know what I believe in terms of a religion or a church any more. Nothing makes much sense in terms of religion or dogma or doctrines of men. Yet, I still feel guilt for being gay and for leaving the Worldwide Church of God almost 15 years ago. I still hear the doctrines and sermons ringing in my head. It’s as if I can’t escape them. I feel angry, scared, confused, bitter, and alone in this.
Surely enlightenment and understanding are not exclusive to WCG members. It’s difficult for me to let this really sink in. I believe my search for understanding the complexities of life continues not because I was a member of this church, but rather because I seek with an openly wounded heart as someone who was willing to be as faithful a servant of humanity as he knows how to be. Science helps me more and more as I continue to look for direction and enlightenment. I am beginning to open my eyes to the fact that homosexuality is genetic or inborn and not a “lifestyle” I have chosen in direct violation of some spiritual law. (And even still, part of me fights the notion that I am a heretic as I write this. Such is the mind-controlling and manipulation the “church” has on me.)
(I found a site, www.exitsupportnetwork.com, which shed some light on the Worldwide Church of God—now Grace Communion International. It has offered some hope and refers to WCG and its branches as ‘cults’.)
There’s more to this, and of course, I feel like I could write forever, but I suspect your eyes are tired from reading all this crap I’ve written. I think I’ll end up repeating myself. It’s just that I feel pretty hurt. But if you have made it this far, then I sincerely thank you for your time and patience. I am writing this with the understanding that gay people may not really be welcome here. But regardless, at least you have heard my story. If I pass the test, then please feel free to post this on your blog if you like. You may edit this as well if you need to. I hope to hear from you, even if it’s a short note.
With warmest regards,
Joseph
Amarillo, Texas
Joseph,
Thank you very much for sharing your story. In the Reseda, California WCG congregation where I grew up, I knew a man named John Silvera. John was a great guy— outgoing, always serving, active in the singles club and Spokesman Club, sang in the choir. I was still a kid when he became ill. I recall my mom going to the hospital to visit him and taking me along. I remember how gaunt he looked, but how he still had a great attitude and was genuinely happy to see us. He died not too long after that. It was only much later I put together a number of clues and realized that he had been gay and in the closet, and had ultimately died of complications due to AIDS. I’m glad to have known John, and I hope he found what was looking for in the WCG, but it’s clear to me that in that environment, his true situation could never be openly understood, nor could he be accepted for who he was.
I know of another guy, a man I’ve never met but admire a great deal — an A.C. graduate by the name of DJ Grothe who eventually came out of the closet twice— both as gay and as a non-believer, who became a professional magician and skeptic, and who hosts the acclaimed weekly podcast Point of Inquiry.
I suppose my point in sharing these stories is to say that only you can write the end of your own story. And you will always be welcome in the community of freethinkers.
Best,
Robert
May 2nd, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Joseph,
Don’t let the attitudes of the WCG weigh you down. They had their dogmatic opinions which were no more valid than those expressed in the Bible by equally prejudiced writers. I was in the organization for well over 20 years, graduated from AC in 1960 and served them as well as I could as the doubts began to pile up in my mind. I’m an avowed agnostic today and have had to finally decide to break off contact with an old and dear friend who will only communicate with me to berate and accuse me as dishonest and willfully ignorant.
I used to share their attitude toward gay people, but no more. And, I even had serious doubts before my departure. I outline my own journey through fanatical dedication to the freedom of a doma free life in a book I wrote: Believing the Unbelievable — Into and Out of Fanaticism. If you email me and request it, I will send you my Word file. It might help you shake off the cords that still bind you. Email: phylandal@qwestoffice.net.
Take heart. You can get free of this guilt trip under which you have struggled. As long as you live a loving and ethical life, you don’t need to feel any shame over what you are.
May 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Dear Joseph, We are who we are. Unfortunately that church put us ALL down one way or another for who we are as individuals…they had to, it’s the only way that they could manipulate our thinking and lives-by trying to force us to believe that we are all unworthy and inadequate. The guiltier we felt, the more involved we became, the more money we sent, the more terrified of God we became fearing what he’d say in front of everybody about us on judgement day. Meanwhile, the very same jackasses shaking their self-righteous fingers in our faces had their own skeletons in their closets, and were committing the very same “sins” we were supposedly committing, if not worse ones. The WCG and it’s ministry were unnaturally OBSESSED with the topic of sex: who ought to get married, who we should be dating, how we dated…it was hard enough to be a heterosexual in that church! They had a hard enough time trying to justify their involvement in the sex lives of straight people…and had problably no clue whatsoever how to councel a homosexual. “Pray about it” was a phrase I had suggested to me for a laundry list of questions I had that they had no answers for, and frankly I feel like a dumbass now for talking to any of them about anything in the first place. Stay strong Joseph, I am not gay and I do not know how it must feel for you… but I do know that being gay is not a “choice”, because if it were a choice you certainly would not have chosen to live it. It’s a hard, very hard life to live, and I wish you the very best of luck. Jody
May 30th, 2009 at 5:03 am
“I don’t know what I believe in terms of a religion or a church any more. Nothing makes much sense in terms of religion or dogma or doctrines of men.”
“….these blessings came to pass not because I was a member of this church, but rather, because I did seek God with an openly wounded heart who was willing to be as faithful of a servant as I humanly knew how to be. ”
“I have asked God to further bless you and your ministry and thanked Him for showing me your web site. ” (April 25, 2009 letters to Exit & Support Network)
It seems as though you are still seeking a way out of your confusion, Joseph. I sincerely hope that you find that, no matter where you end up, theologically or otherwise.
Please don’t misunderstand me: I am not saying that there’s anything wrong with you writing letters to both websites, I’m just curious as to why the discrepancy exists, and I hope you eventually do find some peace or at least reconciliation, between the two polarities.
And sometimes, it isn’t about reconciling black-and-white belief versus black-and-white non-belief at all; sometimes the answer is, that there is no “answer” at all.
Best wishes to you in your search.
May 31st, 2009 at 2:49 am
Joseph,
I am a gay man who spent 26 or so years in the WCG. I was baptized at age 17, and swallowed all the happy-crap hook line and sinker until about 1993. Thanks to the events of 1995, I was able to finally able to gradually let go of the “programming.” I came out [as gay] in 1999, with the support of many people where I worked [and still work]. It was the best decision I ever made. My experience in WCG taught me more lessons than I could number, but I don’t think they were the lessons that WCG intended me to learn.
I would be happy to share my story with you in greater detail should you wish to correspond with me privately. There is a really rich universe out there beyond the boundaries of religion, WCG or otherwise; and I have great fun and joy exploring it. Don’t let the old programming hold you hostage. BTW, as a footnote, I am a professional therapist, and likely owe part of that career selection to my experience in WCG. How humorously ironic
I don’t know what prompted me to go to this website– oh yeah, searching for an old friend, and just happened to click on the link. Glad i did.
Patrick Norris
tpnorris@hotmail.com
June 8th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Patrick Norris, The Painful Truth has an article just released entitled “Growing up Gay in the Worldwide Church Of God.” You may be interested for the value of healing.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
It breaks my heart when I read a story like yours. If people would just use their minds and open their eyes they would know, without a doubt, that there is nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, unnatural or perverse about homosexuality. Studies have shown homosexual behavior in most species of mammals and quite a few spcies of birds and reptiles. And it’s not a case of there aren’t any females/males around, some animals, or I guess I should say quite a few, just prefer their own sex, even when given a choice. A study was done with rams who displayed homosexual behavior and in this study they would tie up a ewe, and let another ram loose in a stall and then let the homosexual ram have his pick. And even though the ewe would have been much easier to mate with, seeing as how she was tied up, the ram still showed preference for the other ram. And this information isn’t hard to find, a simple google search is all that’s required. It’s not sick or wrong or perverse, it’s beautiful and natural, and anyone who thinks otherwise should be kicked in the shins for their shameful, willful, ignorance. Love yourself.
July 7th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Joseph: Being gay isn’t easy and anyone who thinks it is, or who writes someone off as “choosing” to be gay is just stupid, in my opinion. One of my half sisters is gay, and I was the first person she told. She was terrified to tell her Mother (she finally did…we have different mothers) and surprise, surprise, it was ok. Most of us had figured it out already, but knew she would tell us when she was ready.
Having not only grown up in the WCG, but having an uncle who was once a high ranking minister in the church (he was a Preaching Elder)….I heard more stories than you can imagine about what went on behind the scenes with the “minister elite”. It would make you sick if you knew it all….and the two faces these men carried with them on a daily basis would make your jaw drop. Telling us what to do, shaming us for the smallest of “sins”, yet doing things that they knew full well went against the very commandments they preached at us.
Ok, to be fair, not all were like that. My Uncle Jim (Doak) wasn’t like that, and I know some of the other ministers weren’t a part of that group……but it boggled my mind to find out how many were. It was just plain shameful.
You are well out of it. I am well out of it. BUT….it stays with you all of your life. You may rant about it, you may not want to allow any residual influence of the church to color your life….but it does. You can’t help it, and guess what? IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! We were so brain-washed that it’s pathetic. I still find myself reacting at times to things that I know were put there when I was a child in this church. It’s hard work to get past it….and we may NEVER get all the way past it…but we can give it a good try.
Good luck to you….and I hope you find a way, that is good for you, to move past this as much as you can…or at least come to terms with it.
September 4th, 2009 at 1:09 am
Joseph,
I was very touched by your story…You write beautifully, and I sure hope you keep writing in whatever way you need to…
I love what you stated here…”but rather because I seek with an openly wounded heart as someone who was willing to be as faithful a servant of humanity as he knows how to be.”
You have a beautiful spirit…Hang in there, and keep ignoring those stupid, mean, idiotic voices that got stuck in your head…
You have been shown what is wrong…These are the wrong teachings that get passed on from generation to generation…They cause us suffering and misery…they make us small…
In our vulnerability, our deep longings for connection to ourselves, and the human family can get so manipulated, and abused by arrogant people, who are deluded, and think they know more than others…
Your longing is so wonderfully healthy…We are meant to discover ourselves and the world around us…to live in joy, love, beauty, wonderment, and our creativity…Not tortured by doctrines, and dogmas of others…
Whatever hinders your beauty, and love towards yourself – that is the wrong thing…
I wish you much joy in your journeys…
Thanks for writing,
take care…
October 1st, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Joseph
I a gay man spent about three or four years attending WCG services in albany NY
I like many fell for the “We are the one true church of God” nonsence.
Of course knowing the “teaching on homosexuality” of the church I never came out to anyone. But I did write a letter to “THE PLAIN TRUTH” asking them what I should do. The sent me literature about exodus international, a group of self loathing gay men who pretend to be cured of homosexuality. I looked in to it but knowing in my heart that it was not a decision(my homosexuality) I quickly abandoned any efforts to continue getting cured.
Shortly after that I stopped going to WCG services and returned going to catholic mass where at least I could worship without such blatent condemnation.
I recently found a gay christian website called gaychristian.net where you are most welcome to be gay and christian. wether you have a partner or not. if you get a chance check it out.
God bless Joseph and remember ’saved by grace through faith” not all the mombojombo that WCG taught!grouched23