11-40: still recovering
I started bawling my eyes out as soon as I started writing this.
I’m 40 years old, on appearances well adjusted. Underneath I’m completely and utterly phucked up by ‘the Church’.
I was born into ‘the Church’. In fact my first memories are of a Church family friend looking after me during The Feast of Tabernacles. My next memory is of being belted by my Father after a ‘service’ for not being a good girl. I have very few other memories of my child hood. The ones that I do have are certainly not of the happy, fun, loving family I craved.
My parents were WCG parents. My parents forced me to be estranged from my three young sisters as soon as we could communicate. The only idea I can think of why… is my Church abiding parents wouldn’t want children who got along and communicated well, because we might question them… and/or gang up on them. Competitiveness between my siblings and I was encouraged from a young age and to date continues. I no longer participate in these patterns of behaviour and have been virtually estranged from my siblings forever.
I worry tonight as to how my experience as a child of ‘the Church’ impacts on my own parenting. What do I do? I know I show my kids this email. When they are old enough to sit down and listen to my explanation. My eldest son is 11 now and I cry for him. I cry for him being parented by a child who never felt love. Do you know that to this very day – that even though I see my parents every day… as they live just around the corner from me and help me out with my kids when I’m working… do you know what? I can’t ever remember my parents telling me they love me. EVER. Thankfully I’ve been able to tell my children this thousands of times.
I don’t care about God. The only thing I care about is love. I didn’t experience love for the first 11 years of my life. I learnt to give love to myself and my partners after I had kids. They kids opened up my maternal instincts and I started to feel better about the world as a result. I don’t know how I have attracted the most wonderful loving partner. This man who I will marry next year gives me respite from myself, my pain, my angst… every day. I love him so much. I feel loved back. My children see me loving him and being loved. I am so happy that I’ve recovered enough to experience this.