Anna
My name is Anna. I was born into the church in 1978 and I was able leave the church in 1996 when I turned 18.
When I turned 18, I did every thing and anything to try to forget what happened when I was a kid. Alcohol, drugs … and somehow I actually graduated college. I guess, I never really thought I would live to be 22. I was depressed for such a large part of my adolescense, I always expected that I would kill myself before I would ever reach adulthood. So when I graduated college I suddenly realized that since I had not killed myself, I could change my life and make myself happy. Silly, huh? So I have tried my damndest to turn my life around. And I have done this with without the help of my parents, church or God for that matter. It seems the moment I stopped praying for God to help me and waiting for a miracle to change my life, my life changed in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined. I feel like I finally started being alive probably about 5 years ago. For 23 years of my life I was the walking dead and now I live my life to the fullest.
I grew up with the same experiences of many people who posted their experiences. I remember the spankings with a wooden paddle (which broke multiple times during our beatings) from my very religious holier than thou bitch of a mother. Yeah, bitter puts it mildly. The hardest part for me is my parents now belong to United Church of God. They do not believe they made any mistakes … to quote my mother, “God has not chosen you.” It is one of the most painful parts of the whole experience for me … because even now I cannot escape the insanity that this church has bought into my parents lives. At times, I teeter on the edge of hatred for both of my parents and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive them.
I appreciate this forum for sharing experiences.
Explore posts in the same categories: Personal Story
October 23rd, 2006 at 10:02 am
anna i too ahve been through many of the things you mentioned and my heart goes out to you and understand your pain and still at the age of 42 coming toi tems with some of the thing my parents did to me in the name of christiantiy
October 29th, 2006 at 10:04 am
Hi Anna-
I believe that your feelings towards your parents are simply emotion-based and need to be examined. Certainly to “teeter on the edge of hatred” isn’t healthy. At the same time you indicate you are seeking the ability to forgive them. You are in a maddening quandary.
What you need is an understanding of the human condition. Your folks didn’t set out to destroy your life. The cult didn’t command them to drive you mad. They were simply doing what was considered best for you. In short, they were in the mental chains of religion. You got out and with a little reasoning you got free from religion. They have had no reason to abandon the path they are on. They are comfortable with their place in the present cult they are in. They are still prisoners. You are not. Why should you be angry with people who are mentally ill clad in invisible chains?
I was in the WCG for 25 years. I firmly believed in the apparent Armstrong agenda–to help the world become good little cult members. I lived the life of pray, pay and obey. I’ve been out for 14 years and am much more at peace then when I was living in the chains of religion.
I have a good friend who is a WCG Elder. He stops by to visit once in a while. He’s a decent human being but he’s also a prisoner of religion. He has found no reason to leave the WCG. When we talk we can be quite open about our differences. I have no ill will towards him. Why should I? He is mentally ill. He isn’t ready to ask the important questions, nor are your parents.
I would suggest for you a reading of the books that have examined the cult phenomenon in the American culture. I believe you can be helped by a good grounding of how weak we humans are concerning religion. Do you hate the Jehovah’s Witnesses? The Mormons? The Catholics? What would that accomplish? Wouldn’t it be better to understand and work towards a world where that nuttiness cannot flourish? Isn’t it better to light the proverbial candle than to curse those blinded by the darkness like your parents?
These words of mine are just my opinions. They have worked for me and many more. I think they can help you.
If you’d care to exchange some emails I am at jimbo@fmis.net.
Good readings to you.
Jim Baldwin
October 31st, 2006 at 2:11 pm
Anna-
My girlfriend was asking me some questions today about why I’ve never seen Gremlins, Girls Just Want to Have Fun or just about any other movie made before 1992. She knows I was raised in a cult, but was curious, so I was sending her some info and I ran across your post.
Our stories are very similar… except I was born in ‘the church’ (in 1975) and my father was a minister. The pressure on me were enormous growing up, not just ‘the church’, but to be a shining beacon of what a minister’s daughter should be. This was NEVER me, and at the age of 15 I knew I either had to get out or I was going to kill myself.
My life had already been planned out for me. Once a woman from church came up to me and DECLARED to me about how I was going to go to AC, and marry a minister myself. When I told her I didn’t think so, it’s just not me, she completely dismissed it and said I didn’t know…. she DID. That’s what I was expected to be.
I was a good kid. Straight As, never got in trouble, in fact I never even so much as sneaked out of the house once. (Hmmm… that’s sad, yet another part of a lost childhood….maybe I’ll sneak out of MY house tonight, just to try it out!) Yet, my parents never trusted me, never gave me an inch of room. I wrote my parents a letter one day saying I wanted out, didn’t believe, etc, and left for school. I didn’t know what world of shit was going to occur when I came home. Of course I was a “great disappointment”, “utter failure”, and my personal favorite was how “your father will never be able to give another sermon on child-rearing again b/c of YOU!”
And all I EVER wanted to do was to be in a school play, to be a cheerleader, to not have to explain to my friends why I couldn’t play in the volleyball tournement just b/c it was Saturday. To have friends I didn’t have to hide from my parents. To not have to lie to save myself from drowning under the weight of it all.
My parents forced me to keep attending till I was 17…needless to say, these were tense years. At school I led a double life… I was a popular kid, but at all times felt like a complete sham, I was hiding everything I could about my life I could. Lying about why I couldn’t do this or that… always terrified that my secret would leak out.
Today is Halloween. I’m pissed I never ONCE in my life got to go Trick or Treating, or all the times, my parents would haul me out of the classroom b/c it would be someone’s birthday, or Valentine’s Day, or the other myriad of holidays. And it’s not really even the holidays, it’s more of the fact that my parents went out of their way to make me ‘the freak.’ I’m bitter too.
I know that the other guy Jim to commented on your post is trying to take the ‘high road’ on the situation. However, I wonder if he was BORN in the church. Was this his decision, or was this decision made for him?
So many of us that are all the same age are very bitter towards our parents… it seems there’s a whole generation of us who have taken things to the extreme. I, like you, and so many others have done my fair share of drugs and partying. I never thought this had to do with ‘the church’ but now as I read post after post after post of ex-member kids my age (and I hate to use the word member, because we never really were, were we? it wasn’t our choice) and almost every single one talks about the drug use in their 20s.
I have made something lovely and great out of my life. Everyday I am so thankful to that scareds terrified, yet defiant 15 year old me, who made a hard choice and saved herself. Now I try to lead my life to be open to every possible experience. The good the bad, anything…. I want to suck it all in. Because I almost missed it all.
Know that there are LOTS of others of us out there. If you ever want to chat let me know.
Oh, and you’ll appreciated THIS… I too had a paddle. Which apparently my mother saved. A few years ago, she told me that she was going to tole paint on it and give it to me, so that I could beat my kids with it too. Shock. Awe. Speechless….
Children that I won’t be having….. I’ve decided my life belongs to ME!!!!!!!!!
October 31st, 2006 at 3:40 pm
April,
That has got to be the best comment anyone’s posted to my blog yet. Thanks so much for sharing.
Robert
November 1st, 2006 at 10:19 am
April said:
“…the other guy, Jim…is trying to take the ‘high road’ on the situation”.
Just curious: What’s wrong with the high road? Is it necessary to maintain your identity by carrying hatred around?
Whether I was born into the cult or just stumbled and fell into it is irrelelevant to the advice I gave. If more people would do some reading of books like Hoffer’s ‘The True Believer’ and Hassan’s ‘Combatting Cult Mind Control’ they would understand more about themselves and their parents.
These books are not read by cult members.
Just what is the benefit of hatred towards one parents? To “be open to every possible experience” can have dire consequences. Over on the Painful Truth site is a list of suicides. This is just a reaction to the cult experience–the cult wins.
I write as I’m sensitive to a perpetuation of the ignorance and self destruction the cult fostered.
Jim
November 1st, 2006 at 11:07 am
I too have had a similar experience. Born into the WCG and out at 18, back in the PCG at 21; got into a little trouble in college and attending church was the condition of my parent’s help. Had to cut my hair too.
I was back out at 26 (what took me so long!!!) when the PCG didn’t approve of my choice of girlfriend (who became my wife).
Like many, I know feel like I’m actually living, thinking and happy. I’m not angry at my parent’s (maybe a little) but highly dissapointed in them. I have the perspective now to see how they fell into the Amrstrong trap and why and it saddens and dissapoints me. I only hope the come out of it and that my siblings are able to get away as well.
If there’s anything I hate, it’s the organizations and ministry that continues to abuse and use people for money by spouting Amrstrongist nonsense.
November 2nd, 2006 at 5:54 pm
Just wanted to add my two cents worth to what I feel is a really good thread. 1st just a little history about were I come from
My parents joined the church in the mid 60’s. Because my dad had been married before they were forced to divorce before they could join. I grew up for 5 years with my dad living in another town. When they were finally allowed to get married it felt like I was moving in with a stranger.
My school experiences seem to mirror what other people have described. No football, no playing with my friends or any sports on Saturday., leaving school for a week in the fall, no birthdays, no participation in Christmas activities, etc., etc, . etc. Growing up is hard enough without being forced into being an outsider.
By the time I was a teenager I too had started to rebel. I was using drugs and alcohol and partying as much as I could. It just seemed an attempt to male up for what I had missed.
Just prior to this my dad passed away. He had a type of cancer that was treatable but he decided to “put his trust in god and not doctors” funny how It was ok to try any wacky “natural” cure (and believe me some of the things he tried were bizarre) but at all costs, including his life, he had to stay away from doctors.
Once he was gone my mom just could not control me. The summer I turned 18 she came to get me out of bed to go to church. My friend was going to the lake that day and I had finally had enough. It was, even then, hard on me to take the disappointment I saw in her face but I had just had enough.
Even to this day I do find myself getting angry at times. The hardest thing for me is knowing that my kids will never get to know their grandfather. I was very close to my grandparents and I am sad my children will miss out on this.
When it is all said and done, however, I had two choices on how to live my life. I could carry the anger with me and let it drag me down. NO WAY!!! This means that they won!!!! It would mean that I had conceded that their way was the right and the only true way to happiness. BS!!!! There is no way that was going to happen. I decided instead that even though I missed out on a little bit of life when I was young I had a lot of life left and I was going to make the most of it and I HAVE. I have a wonderful sexy wife and beautiful children. I do my best to show them everyday that you can live a full life without the crutch of religion. I don’t try and force anything on them because WE all know how that feels. I just try to be an example of what living life to its fullest is all about.
The anger is mostly gone now. What it is replaced with is sadness. It is sadness for my parents and all the things THEY have missed out on and lost due to belief in a lie. They have lost a lifetime (and a life). I only missed out on a few years and does anyone really have that wonderful an adolescent anyhow?
I guess the best way I can put it is don’t let them win!!! Don’t let HWA reach out from his grave and continue to rule your life. Get revenge, not in anger and misery, but in a life well lived. They told us their way was the only way. Prove them WRONG!!!
November 5th, 2006 at 5:45 pm
Hi Anna,
Thanks for sharing… I guess the only good things to come out of it all is that we are not alone in our experiences, and that we are the wiser for it. We can help others by sharing our life stories. Focusing on the positive aspects is the key… something I am slowly learning myself.
As for people who are still trapped in the cult world, they have to reach their own realisation and understanding, if they can. My mother still attends WCG, whether it is the new “born again” version or some offshoot of Armstrongism, I do not know. Each to their own.
Music was (and still is) the thing that saved me from insanity. So I guess everyone needs to find what works for them, and if it is God in some form, I have nothing against it personally. The problems occur when it is forced upon people, as it was on us. If a person wants to worship the tree in their backyard, that is fine by me, just don’t go trying to convert others to your beliefs. Sorry to rave on
I too was very angry, but with the help of a therapist, I am learning to let go of it all and move on with my life. It is a journey, and if you need help to make it, go out and get it.
To April,
Enjoyed your post too. I can relate very well. Thanks for sharing also.
Regards,
Stephen
December 4th, 2006 at 12:41 pm
I, too, was born into WCG in 1978, left at 18, more because I fell away than anything else, in a period during which the church was in flux and from a ‘church’ to which I was chained but never appreciated within. I, too, remember the ’spankings’, from either a belt, or a wooden spoon, or a metal spoon or when they were angry enough just a good old fashioned wallop around the head. I remember being dragged by the ear out of service because I hadn’t heard my father when he whispered to me mid-sermon to pick up my bible study. Literally by the ear. I remember being raised as an outsider within an outsider’s church because I just wasn’t good enough. I remember lying at school (damn me to hell…) that I was in the corner at the disco, I was there, you just didn’t see me. I remember my friend’s mother practically crying because I refused to eat pork and beef sausages, even though my father wouldn’t know, because God would and my father would smell it on me. Being terrified I was going to get clouted because I was delayed on a charity outing because it had gone after sunset. Having my father smell my fingers because I once picked up a cigarette in the street to see what it looked like, in order to make sure I hadn’t been smoking (age 7). Not knowing what date my birthday was until 1989 when I was 11. Taking a paper round at 11 in order to start saving for tuition at AC. Attending a college where one of the tutors was ex-communicated and having to never mention anything that could possibly link me to the church because they had been known to make student’s lives unbearable. To have it listed in a National Newspaper that your ‘Church’ was a ‘Cult’ and that they were affiliated to Waco. To have people physically abuse you because they thought ‘you lot’ needed loosening up. To have people tell me that there are ’schools for people like me…’ To never have enough to eat because your parents had to tithe the majority of their money. To have the church, after your father had been discommunicated for disagreeing with the elder, continue to send you newsletters so that you wouldn’t feel ‘abandoned’ when in reality they were trying to poach you back… To have the satisfaction of being able to tell the Regional Director’s Wife politely but succinctly why you no longer wished to receive her poxy newsletter: priceless
December 27th, 2006 at 8:51 am
I was born in the WWCG. Luckier than my two older sisters, I didn’t grow up in the worst part of it and what was forced down my throat I was determined to ignore and spit out. And I believe that determination is why I’m not as damaged as most my peers and sisters.
My mother is also in United now. It just totally hit home when you mentioned your mother saying “God hasn’t chosen you”. Like your parents, my mother doesn’t believe any of it is wrong and she looks at me when I say something she doesn’t want to admit makes sense and says ” God just hasn’t called you yet and I hope he will before the Tribulation”.
It’s sickening that she believes her children are doomed because we didn’t fall victim to all the insanity Mr. Armstrong plauged on the world.
I just hope you don’t shut God out. It’s not his fault. He wasn’t in that church.
The believers in that WWCG never accomplished anything because they waited for the world the end and waited for God to just give them what they wanted or needed. You’re doing right to take initative and do things yourself but you still need His guidance. Not do for you but to do with you.
I’m not soap boxing it by any means. I have my bad days too. I just see too many blogs on here that that stupid church has made a bad name for God. And that makes me sad cause it wasn’t God that gave you beatings, mentally abused you and deprived you of your childhood and Saturday morning cartoons Friday night / Saturday games. It was your parents and it was those psycho followers and leaders. But it wasn’t God.
I hope you will not turn your back on Him.
I wish you the best. I wish you all the best.
p.s. I was trying to convince my mother that the church was crazy and I told her about this website and all the damaged it’s caused the children that grew up in it and you know what she said? “That’s the Devil working through the internet.” Go figure…
December 27th, 2006 at 11:46 am
Tabitha,
Your comment is borderline-preachy, so I considered not approving it. But I decided that you might be worth reasoning with.
My logic is very simple, and I’d like to know what you think: You say that, “it wasn’t God that gave you beatings, etc. etc.” and then blame it on Anna’s parents and “those psycho followers and leaders.” You want to absolve God of all responsibility for grief caused in his name. But this is absurd, because if God wanted to, surely he could have prevented these abuses, especially when carried out in his name. So the only possible conclusions are: 1) God has chosen to let these abuses take place with his full knowledge, or 2) God does not exist. If you ascribe to 1) then why do you let God off for behavior that we would never condone in another human?
And you can tell your mother that it’s not just the WCG that was crazy… it’s all religion.
December 28th, 2006 at 8:45 pm
where do i begin. I was four years old when i kept my first day of atonement - this was in 1966.
Wait .. what’s the point here - i grew up in a cult - i left - “The church” as it was when i was in it is no more - the people responsible for that mess- hwa, gta, waterhouse and all the others, Elder tkach was in on it too-are all dead now - i am alive and loving life as never before - without “the church” and all its guilt .
i could blame all my drug abuse and wasted years on the church - but here’s the thing- it was my choice to do those things - granted i had to go with my parents - but the other stuff i did was up to me- i got away from it got cleaned up married a wonderful woman and have a sweetheart of a daughter - so do i regret not being able to play sports - got to dances - eat pepparoni pizza and shrimp yes but i do those things now -now - lying to people at school about christmas, easter and halloween - sitting in the library while those parties are going on- yes i regret those things and alot of others too.
i have found that making sure my daughter is aware of all the wolves in sheep clothing out there under the guise of religon is the best thing i can do now break the cycle.
god is still in our house and always will be - but no man is telling me who he is, or what i have to do see him.
to see that, all i have to do is watch my daughter as she grows - the ocean- miles from nowhere in the forest - the stars at night - listen to my own heartbeat after all the crap i put it through.
i leave you with this - and it sounds trite i know - we all have choices - what we do with them is up to us -
Thanks for letting me ay my piece - after all this time it sure is a lot different than when i left that bunch!!!!
December 29th, 2006 at 8:17 am
I wasn’t trying to be preachy at all. And I deeply apologize if I came across that way. I respect your beliefs and I was by no means trying to convert you to mine. I was just in hopes that you would consider looking at things in a bit more positive light. You’re letting them win by being so bitter. And I’m sure Armstrong is smirking in his grave at that.
I don’t know why God lets things happen. Maybe it’s cause he’s not going to babysit us or maybe we needed to be tougher than everybody else for some reason down the road. I have no clue. I just know he’s done great things for me when all I had to do was ask sincerely. And I may know nothing and it just may be the way the universe rolls. The possibilities are endless. But I do feel He is here and he isn’t what WCG portrayed.
I am in complete agreeance with all religions being corrupt. I won’t step foot in a church unless it’s a wedding or a funeral. You don’t need church to be enlightened or inspired. That’s just for profit as all you know.
Again, I’m really not trying to come down on anyone or preach. I’m not 100% sure that what I believe is right. No one can be. I’m just trying to display a different prespective for you to look at. And if you don’t look at it then that’s totally cool too.
K, hope you guys have an awesome day. :0)
December 29th, 2006 at 1:33 pm
Tabitha,
I accept that you too are disaffected by organized religion. I also accept that you have the freedom to believe whatever you want.
That said, I’m also not surprised you characterize me (and presumably other non-theists) as “bitter” towards God. The fact is, I (and many others) have come to the reasoned conclusion that if there is a God, 1) There is no credible evidence for it and 2) It must be nothing at all like the anthropomorphic deity that major religions depict. In light of the lack of evidence, it makes more sense to hold an open-minded non-belief (skepticism) towards God-claims such as yours.
I’m glad you are happy with your beliefs, and I am happy as a humanist/atheist. And while I can be angry at past injustices perpetrated by people, I can hardly blame them on some god in which I don’t even believe.
December 30th, 2006 at 9:45 am
I completely understand. I’m not trying to characterize athiests. I find myself being bitter ALOT! I just catch and try turning it around. I’m so not trying to label anyone anything. I respect your beliefs and everyone elses. But from my point of view it’s very angering to me that church’s have made people lose their faith when they are supposed to be restoring it. That’s all.
I just found this site. I don’t know if HTML works but in case it doesn’t I’ll copy and paste the address at the end. Pretty interesting stuff. They call the site “The Painful Truth”.
CLICK HERE
or
http://www.hwarmstrong.com/
And I never thanked you for this site. We all have alot of experiences in common. It really helps feeling like less of an outsider to know alot of other kids had the same problems. (although it sucks it happened to begin with)
So, thank you :0)
December 30th, 2006 at 11:56 pm
Tabitha,
I’m quite familiar with The Painful Truth— it’s a good site, and I’m glad you find this site useful.
The only nit I will pick with your comment is where you say “that churches have made people lose their faith.” It was not the WCG or any particular church that made me lose my faith. If you want to blame anything, then blame the Internet. In 1995 when I gained access to the Internet I also gained access to a world of ideas I never had before, including the arguments of atheists in their own words, instead of the gross mischaracterizations handed out by ministers, priests, and the brainwashed and fearful laity. Fortunately, I also had enough prior training in critical thought to evaluate those arguments fairly, and the rest is history.
February 23rd, 2007 at 8:35 pm
“You are not called yet” does not mean your parents are condemning you. If one believes (as I do) that all people will be called to God’s purpose in HIS time, then some are called earlier than others. It is in NO way meaning that you are condemned.
Please don’t feel bitter about your parents saying that, or even thinking it.
I have 4 sons … all of whom have said they would come back to “the church” some day. (what church?) I just hope that someday they believe in God … the God of the Bible.
If they are not “called” at this time I am the one who has to deal with that emotionally … of course I want my sons and my grandchildren to believe what I believe … I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. Don’t Catholics want their children to be Catholics? Don’t Jews want their children to be Jews? Don’t Muslims want their children to be Muslims?
Don’t kid yourself … you’ve left the religion of your parents and that is your choice. But that doesn’t mean they don’t feel the loss. We all have to make our own decisions. I have let my sons make theirs. I wish your parents would let you make your decisions in peace without guilt. But if they can’t try not to be too harsh.