Melissa Stoner
Hey Robert! Thanks for the great blog. I’m so thrilled to be the first entry in 2007. I feel so complete.
My name is Melissa. I was born into the church in 1970 and left in 1987. I attended Imperial Pasadena, where I was despised for being a goody-two-shoes, then beaten and starved at home for not being good enough. My stepmother was a raging demon who once, while babysitting, beat a 7 year old blind girl with cerebal palsy until she was black and blue. This was reported to the church leadership, who quickly hushed it up. At the time my father was one of the hosts of the World Tomorrow program. I used to black out from hunger and had to hide my bruises from the other kids in the dressing rooms at Imperial. I’m pretty sure a lot of people knew that my sisters and I were being abused, but no one did a thing.
My home life was as lousy as the rest of yours, so let’s summarize: carob, fasting, daily spankings until I was 16, whole wheat, more fasting, beating for things I did do, vitamin supplements, muscle testing, guilt, shame, beating for things I didn’t do, fasting followed by enemas, home schooling, more fasting, guilt, shame and beatings. Whew! What was with the obsession with whole foods and homeopathy by the way?
I entered Ambassador College at 16, then flamed out in my first semester. First, I did a Bible study that actually convinced me the whole Bible was merely a historical document and we were all being waaaaaay to literal. Then I had sex with an evangelist’s son, who told me not to tell anyone, then walked into my dad’s office and confessed the whole thing the next day. Good boy. Funny thing was, I already had a plane ticket to leave the state that very afternoon, but was afraid to tell my dad for fear he’d lock me up or something. So I sat through a lecture from my dad, then fled.
Did a lot of self-destructive stuff after, but nothing ever as sick as what the church did to me. It took about 18 years to get over the depression and rage and get back to feeling like a regular person again, but today my life is very good and I am comforted enormously by the certain knowledge that I will never suffer like that again. Hooray for pagan holidays and birthdays and makeup and shellfish and healthy children who are free to talk back! In my happiest moments, I often cry with joy and gratitude that it’s all turned out so much better than I ever hoped for. There’s still that beaten, starved, humiliated and despised little kid in there who is astonished that people could be so gentle and kind to me.
Thanks, Robert and thank you all for sharing your stories. I wish all the very best to all of you!
Melissa (Albert) Stoner
melissa.stoner@gmail.com
February 23rd, 2007 at 8:18 pm
Melissa,
I feel so badly for you. I came into the church in 1974. I can’t imagine what your life must have been like.
Living in the east, I guess there wasn’t the pressure you were under. We did the organic foods thing but it was the times, not the church. I belonged to a co-op (no other church members there) and we tried carob instead of chocolate (blech!) and I still prefer whole wheat to white.
But enemas? Daily beatings? What were people thinking? Why was there no one to protect you?
I did call social services on a family in the church here … they never forgave me. The father was out of control. Was it the church or was it that he was a control freak? He measured how much tissue they could use in the bathroom. He beat the children with boards.
Have you considered therapy to help you deal with it?
think about it.
February 25th, 2007 at 10:25 am
While I didn’t receive beatings or starvation (when we fasted, I generally ate anyways), I went through years of soul-crushing shame and guilt for just about everything I did. No dating, Friday nights, etc. I was sheltered and felt emotionally caged in, much like the man with the over-protective mother in Pink Floyd’s The Wall. For god’s sakes, look at the “standard” Christian churches; most of them are much more tolerant of things like shellfish, logic, reasoning, questions, dating, etc., and they focus more on the good side of people instead of their faults and failures.
If I didn’t have a permanent anti-religion and anti-authoritarian scar slashed into my soul, I’d join one of their churches, only casually, though. The people in some of those churches are some of the nicest folks you’ll ever meet, and not just at church. But the WCG and the PCG? Their leaders belong in asylums and their followers need to get some professional help FAST. My mother’s local pastor came by for a visit, and for some reason, I felt this strange sense of foreboding as soon as he came through the door. He seemed to be like one of those people who are clean-cut and upright on the outside, but hides a sick, twisted person under the surface.
My mother was (and still is) a hard-core PCG fanatic who hangs on every word the ministers say and never questions them. She thinks that she’s “proven to herself” the church’s doctrines and the words of the bible, but it’s madness. I never bought into the whole spiel myself; no god who claims to be loving and infinitely compassionate would allow such destructive and abusive behavior to happen to its followers. She’s not as hard-core as she used to be, though. (I think she’s just tired of being so upset at everything and everyone, so she’s more mellow these days).
I feel bad about what you went through, but it sounds like you’ve made it out of the hell that is Herbert W. Armstrong’s sect/church with your mind and soul intact. I only hope that you can remain that way for the remainder of your time on Earth.
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:53 pm
I have a client (I am a therapist-mental health) who believes they should stay in a domestic violent marriage situation, because they are in it because they were born a sinner. And this is their punishment for having sinned. They were raised in the Worldwide Church of God in Canada.
Is this belief consistent w/those teachings?
HELP I need to help her get beyond this. Can you or anyone help me with this.?
March 2nd, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Debra,
The WCG did at one time condemn divorce and remarriage, although it no longer does. Here is an overview of their history, which also mentions this. Their current teachings are here.
Some splinter groups such as this one still teach that there are only two legitimate grounds for divorce:
Unfortunately, in teachings of this kind, violence per se does not appear to be one of the conditions.
Best wishes to you and your client.
March 2nd, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Melissa, and Debra,
I too grew up in WCG. While my life was spared, it took 8 years of weekly sessions to overcome the pain depression and anger. I am glad that I had a spouse that stayed with me through that, and some very patient psychologists and spiritual directors (two nuns).
I came to see that going back to that type environment was no different than adult children of alcoholics returning home. The old “tapes” seem to start running again and the feelings of humiliation and sadness return. Therefore, even though there are folks that I dearly love still in WCG, UCG and other groups (along with the “turkeys” - to state it nicely), there is just too much emotional baggage to ever return.
We are in a good place now, and thinking about our own kids’ lives and how different they are not to have any context for Herbert W Armstrong, or Ambassador College.
That was the one thing that made a difference for me. Realizing that HWA is meerly a historic curiosity to our kids, and that they really do not have to have the fear that we grew up under.
All the best to you, Melissa… And to Debra. Debra, I believe that the scars from growing up in certain parts of WCG (some pastors worse than others), leave scars that are very deep and painful, including the self-doubt and lack of self worth. I still wrestle with it, and know many others that do as well. The only way to “overcome” it is to get away from it, and unfortunately for some of us we cannot get away from it because it is seared into us…
-dns
June 27th, 2007 at 8:51 am
Dear Melissa,
I remember you and oyur family from one FOT in the UK. How strange that as PKs we seemed to get the harshest treatment. I am also somewhat ashamed at the fact that we did not share these experiences with fellow “sufferers” at the time. I would have found the whole growing up in the WWCG a great deal less emotionally hurtful if I could have just shared my experiences with someone else who could relate. Only after reading blogs do I realise the great similarity in the emotional problems that we shared and that still have an effect today. Glad to read that your are doing well. Appreciate your honesty. The upside of the whole experience is that I am a great deal more of an independant thinker than most people that I meet who never had to deal with theWWCG!
August 1st, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Oh, sweet, little Melissa Albert — I remember you and your sister.
My dad was a minister in LA and friends with your dad. My little sister is around your age I believe…I am more your sister’s age. What a bizarre childhood, eh? I am so thankful I never had to attend Imperial. I am so sorry you were treated so vilely.
I relate to the whole-foods thing…I try to explain to my “hippy” friends how I can’t eat that stuff, but they don’t have the same associations we have. I think my immune system is permanently jacked due to all the Goldenseal I swallowed every morning of my life!
I knew things were screwed up in your household, but I had no idea how screwed up. I remember your dad coming over once to talk to my dad and he was a total mess. My dad was a total mess too! What a pair. They were funny together…my dad was pretty liberal so I think they could break loose a little together…drive fast and play Neil Diamond really loud…generally be “boys,” but sadly, they were also fathers and they were really out-to-lunch on that one.
Our household was pretty freakin’ nuts too. I didn’t endure the extreme violence that you did, but it served to turn my life upside down pretty well anyway. It was a very strange combination of physical and mental intimidation (those spankings were quite some doctrine), with misplaced sexual undercurrents, invoking the power of God as the glue of legitimacy.
The chaos between my father and I hit a high when I was 14 and thankfully my mother took us to a place of safety (my uncle’s house). The damage was done though and I sliced my wrists when I was 17, overwhelmed by depression, rage, feelings of worthlessness. Years and years and thousands of dollars of therapy…even the therapists don’t quite get it…it’s unique to cult-brand fear.
It was such a sad, sad time…the abuse of sweet little children who had nothing but open hearts and a willingness to please.
I know another little girl, a friend of mine whose house I had sleep-overs, was being abused by her father who was a deacon in my father’s church at the time. My father anointed the man! WTF? He was abusing his other children too. My outrage could never be voiced, or if it was at times in the form of fits of rage, I was certainly never heard…just punished.
I’m so sorry I was just a little girl too and was too controlled and terrified by my own “father of darkness” in order to really look around much. I know I lived in a fantasy world a lot of the time. I think it was a way of coping with the chaos and fear in my life.
My father has apologized on three occasions…general apologies in case he “did anything to hurt me” … I do try to take it to heart as best I can, but the scar is still there and it’s still so difficult to relate to him. Have you received any apologies?
It’s so great to hear you are doing well. I am too! but it hasn’t been easy getting here. Thank you so much for your honesty. I admire you. I relate to you. May your happiness grow every day.
Take best care,
Liz Dunlap
liz_dunlap@yahoo.com
P.S. The first time I saw you, you were crying in front of your TV watching Bambi…and then begging your mom to let you watch it again. You were a very sweet child…as we all were.
November 4th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Melissa, I enjoyed reading your recent comment on my post (TIM, from mid 2007). Yeah, a slightly twisted sense of humor started early in my life. I remember times in my early teens when a friend and I would look at each other and laugh about some of the crap that was going on in our lives. What else could we do? After rebelling, getting pissed, crying, sometimes there was nothing left to do but realize some abstract humor in it all and simply laugh.
I’m happy to read that life is well for you, happy for all of us. One of the good things though that came from our experiences is knowing what you can take. Through the wcg experience and a few other experiences in my life, I have become strong and very self reliant. I know that I can handle whatever comes my way now and come through it ok. And that’s a damn good feeling. We can all be proud of the fact that we came through it and rose above them, we were stronger than Armstrong and his minions!