Paul Brown
Okay, here goes…my parents entered the WWCG in the late sixties after the tragic death of my older sister who was killed by a bus. Thinking back, this had a profound effect on my parents and subsequently my early emotional development. Losing a child on her third birthday in such a dramatic fashion must be emotionally devastating. A ten month old baby, i.e. me, would definately have picked up on the anguish. I guess the message that they heard from the WWCG offered them comfort. When we are at our lowest ebb we are most susceptible to influence. Growing up in the church you had one of two options when dealing with the immediate world. You lied and hid the differences or were honest with others. I chose the former and as a result lived a very lonely life at school. No friends, no social life outside of church activities. The problem was that I could not seem to make friends even in the church due to a lack of social skills which I should have developed. The act that I perfected in the “real” world spilled over into every aspect of my life. I became a chameleon at church, at SEP, etc. All the time I was hiding my little acts of rebellion and suffering the guilt from what I was hearing every Saturday. Growing up, discipline was a thing I both feared but also craved. This in later life resulted in me joining the French Foreign Legion, deserting and having a generally terrible time in military prison. Being the child of a minister was also an added pressure. More was expected of me so I went to AC to please everyone. This proved to be my breaking point. Do not get me wrong, I have met some wonderful people in the WWCG. People with integrity, real moral fibre, etc. What surprised me at AC was the number of people who struck me as just being plain hypocrites. Students and faculty alike. Holier than thou attitudes seemed to prevail with the saccharin sweet halo constantly on display. I just could not find people with whom I could speak to honestly about all the feelings that I had. Reading other blogs, I realise that I was not alone. I got baptised because it was the normal path to take. I knew that I was a fake. I hoped for an immediate rush of help from above which never came. I rebelled more, got caught more with the usual lectures in the Dean of students office. I left AC after two years and returned to the UK not having any friends and infinitely more confused. The next ten years were a blur of travelling, an inability to find my place in society. Drugs entered my life and for a while provided the comfort that I craved. I tried them all but fortunately I am a rational human being and never entered the slippery slope of total addiction. I could not even find solace there! Three suicide attempts, fruitless sessions with psychiatrists further confused my mind.
Anyway, I find myself at forty one living in Italy working as a gardener. I write music, paint and sculpt. Friends are still scarce but the ones I have are treasured. Mentally, I am extremely alert. I have an enquiring mind which refuses to believe all that it is told without applying reason and logic. My views on life are still not mainstream but I like to think that they have a healthy dose of reality attached to them. After getting over my total distrust of all religions I seem to have found some sort of hybrid spirituality which is not alligned to any organisation. I try my best to respect others and not intentionally cause any hurt and pain to my fellow human beings. I despair at how this planet is managed both politically and environmentally and try to do the best that I can. That is all that I can expect of myself and God, in whatever form it takes, I hope is in agreement.
I am grateful for the small pleasures in life. There is so much that is wonderful and I remain optimistic.
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July 3rd, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Hi - reading your potted life history and that dad was a minister and you returned to England, I am guessing that your dad was Frank Brown? If so, I recall that he gave up his business to go to AC. He graduated in my freshman year. He was friends with the Butterfields who were former business associates - another genuine couple. Am I right?
July 5th, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Hi Paul,
I’m glad you’ve come to terms with who you are and are finally doing what you want to do, not what’s expected of you, and enjoying it. Though I still attend a church congregation, I feel the same way you do–I try to respect and others and not hurt them intentionally. I think that will continue to be my basic approach to life, and I hope God is okay with that because everything else seems to lead to a lot of hypocrisy and strife.
August 1st, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Hi Paul,
I’m a PK too…about your age. We were mostly in California, briefly in Texas. I tried to please at AC too…I know what you mean. I couldn’t handle it though. Yes, drugs…a big one. And wow, the suicide thing is a real common thread, huh? I tried it too. And the therapy! Your life sounds similar to mine right now…gardening and painting…bring me so much joy. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so very sad, and yet comforting, to hear similar experiences.
May your life continue to blossom!
Best regards,
Liz Dunlap
liz_dunlap@yahoo.com
August 16th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
I don’t know if you remember me, but we were friends at AC. I might have been one year before you, but we are the same age. I remember you once coming to Mayflower Residence and my saying that I had to change my pants and your response, “will you be wearing trousers too?” That’s when I realized that words meant different things in England but appreciated your subtle humor. I stopped attending shortly after graduation and haven’t looked back, although I miss some of the good friends that I’ve lost touch with over the years. I’m glad to hear that you have found your way with a peaceful existence in Italy. Nature, as well, does it for me. Take care and nice to read your post.
October 10th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
You must be the Paul Brown I remember, tall, blond, worked for the Portfolio and the Envoy. Yes, I remember you although we didn’t know each other well. Thank you for sharing your story. It is so enlightening to read the stories of so many other “church kids,” and especially fellow AC students. Although my experiences haven’t been quite as traumatic as yours, I can identify with the lack of social skills and the having no social life outside of church. We were quite isolated. Like you and so many others, I went through the mistrust of religion in general and went through a period of intense anger and hatred toward God for not “blessing” me as the church promised He would if I did all the “right” things. Anyway, that is over now. You seem to have come to terms with your place in life and hopefully all of us have or will soon.
Thank you for your story. Renee