New Age Blues

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by Stephen Poplin

I had a spontaneous out-of-body experience one day during a Gestalt process. Striving to maintain my Buddhist equilibrium, I did some deep breathing to ground myself and miraculously attuned to my spirit guides. So there I was, following my bliss.

Then the phone rang.

I sensed some negative vibrations, so I threw the I-Ching and quickly checked my numerology chart and nearly had a primal, but my energy was too blocked, so I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting, took some flower essences and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet, so I had a Rice Dream Frozen Pie too,... but that made me hyper, so I did a relaxation response while listening to my subliminal tapes.

Next thing I know, I was feeling depersonalized. Did I need a soul retrieval?

Just in case that wasn't enough, I threw in some polarity work, foot reflexology, and a past life regression. Was I really Merlin? I contemplated that alternate reality as I rebirthed myself while listening to a shamanic drumming tape in my hot tub. After that very satisfying rebirthing session, I felt energized enough to get my act together; so I pulled myself up by my root chakra but felt the beginning of an auric hernia.

Was this phone thing taking me off my path? In need of centering, I called Moon Beam, my California bodyworker and active listening coach, to make an appointment for a Shiatsu-Reiki-Rolfing-Feldenkreis-Swedish-Japanese-deep-tissue massage, but she was in Maui attending a lomi-lomi hot rock massage course. I was on my own. I was the captain of my own destiny. I would use my personal power to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery around my assertiveness and self-esteem issues. My aura must have been weakened, however, because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space feel invaded; so to get energetically attuned, I decided to get a psychic reading from Mother HeartLove around my poverty consciousness. Since I couldn't afford her, I did the next best thing: I could feel my own radiance (with the help of my tachion and magnet devices) and have some energy for my psycho-calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain-wave synergy session scheduled for later that day. I'm sure all of this would make me more focused for my actualization seminar, holistic healing class, and dream-workshop. Furthermore, I'd be more clear for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Reichian/Jungian/Ericksonian session (Freudian therapy is so un-P.C., you know) at the hot springs eco-resort and vibratory medicine retreat center this weekend. I was looking forward to that, as you might imagine! The brochure proclaimed that I would bust through three layers of my karma! I'm sure my weekly interdimensional trance-channeling group had prepared me for that--thank the Goddess!

The buzzing in my ears was starting to fade. Things were starting to turn around. Good thing I had fasted until noon to recharge my chakras! Soon I sensed my intuition was high and my cycle was focused, so I turned on my ion generator to open up for my neural-linguistic programming session. Luckily I had my pyramid recharged right next to my crystal collection, for I would need all of the light energy I could manifest before my guided synchronicity meditation. When that five thousand year old technique was added with some cranio-sacral therapy, I was jazzed for last week's fire walk, I tell you! We're talking kundalini, here! -- I was probably levitating, TM style, but I didn't want to open my eyes to check--I mean, where was my faith? I hadn't felt this empowered since my hot yoga class on Mt Shasta!

Thank goodness for my holotropic breathwork and inner child parenting sessions, which prepared me for the deep psychological revelations predicted in my tarot card reading. I started to have a flash-back to a particularly potent mushroom experience inside of a sensory deprivation tank... I got a deep knowing about water retention that day.... Anyway, I quickly focused upon my vipassana meditation techniques and neo-Taoist chanting to bring me back into alignment with my soul purpose.

Believe it or not, there was still a void.

I got it. What I truly needed was a meaningful relationship to mirror myself (and to practice Tantra with, of course), so I went to my personal shaman, who told me that all I needed was to love myself; but after a few hours I got tired and bored. My quest for a soul mate began to create a spiritual emergency, and so I went to my guru, who hit me with his shakti-pa feather. Boy, did my third eye feel that. This soon led, however, to a dark night of the soul, so I signed up for the Intensive Whole Life Earth-Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium to find someone who really knew what was going on, but the New Age music was too loud and my aura got stressed. There was only one thing to do: I locked myself in a calcium-coated Orgone Box, strapped on a hemi-synch earphone and drifted into some subterranean power place reminiscent of non-linear reality. Or did I go to sleep?

In any case, I'm sure I would get answers about my cosmic twin soul in the dream state. As usual, my power animal was there to guide me, along with my Indian guide. I knew I was getting close... but when I woke up, I discovered I was...

... still dreaming.

Oh well, maybe next lifetime.

- Channeled by Swami Snatchadolla, who asks all devotees everywhere this question: When the people of India take on a spiritual name, what do they choose? George? Sally? Fred?

.. imponderables.

* * *

Stephen Poplin, M.A.

Stephen Poplin owns The Eutopian Home Page

Home   |   Blog   |   Writings   |   Interests   |   Philosophy   |   Sabbatical '95   |   Burning Man '97   |   Burning Man '99   |   Burning Man '02   |   PGP Key   |   Ex-WCG   |   Bevan   |   Auryn   |   Family   |   Arciem   |   Resume   |   Sciral   |  

Most of the action on my site is now in my blog and my tumblelog. I invite you to visit!